GOING THROUGH IT
Why do humans feel the need to hide when they cry?
Growing up, my brothers called me cryo. I cried on the slightest provocation I cried hard and long. Let me give you some background gist from the time when I had chickenpox and Kanayo O Kanayo had just starred in the movie DESPERATE BILLIONAIRES my brothers mocked me because they didn’t like me and to be honest I don’t blame them as I was a big-mouthed snitch I didn’t like to lie, I told my parents everything so yea they were justified. The chickenpox was bad, my entire body felt like it was on fire, my parents bathed me with palm wine and applied calamine lotion all over my body, I looked like a ghost. My brothers would sneak into my room and start chanting the soundtrack of desperate billionaires “Chinkafi lovi! Chinkafi lovi! Haaa because of you !” They did a good job of convincing me that Kanayo o Kanayo had used me for money rituals because I was a snitch. That night I couldn’t sleep and I hated my life as harmless as they thought their jokes were, I thought of taking my life but I didn’t. I cried myself to sleep instead I turned my face to the wall and wailed silently “O Kanayo why me? “
..yea If cry me a river was a person she’d be me…
Okay, I wanted to write something perfect, something funny to crack y’all up as usual but I am sorry I can’t. Because my head is scrambled I don’t know what I am doing. My days are long and my nights are empty because I am uninterested in anything and every day I slip deeper and deeper into the mud. I am sinking and I need help.
Sometimes I wish I could kill myself but I am too selfish I don’t want to die
I am in dire need of something, something everyone takes for granted, something that when you achieve it can be said that you have mastered the art of living. I am in dire need of peace.
I need my mind to shut up. I need my soul to be still. I need to feel like a beautiful river at midnight.
Currently, I am a hot mess, and here’s how I am dealing with it but first let me say this in case you think I am about to drop pro tips on how to deal with depression or anxiety or quarter-life crisis please stop reading now. I am a hot mess.
Day 1
I woke up with a heavy feeling in my chest..then my heart started racing, then I began to worry about everything. I said a quick prayer…I hurriedly grabbed my phone went to YouTube searched for meditations to block out anxiety and negativity…I clicked on the play button and heard the soft voice in my head but my mind remained a raging turbulent ocean… I Yanked off my earphones and let the tears pour…The tears poured. It kept pouring my eyes rained cats and dogs all day, my belly rejected food, my body curled and drifted in and out of sleep…I showered at 10 pm fuck you for judging me!
Day 2
I woke up…I smoked a lot of marijuana it put me in a mood of worship. I loved it so I went to YouTube and played “women of faith” I sang I am trading my sorrows at the top of my lungs maybe if I screamed God would hear me…I ate a lot, I stuffed my face with food then I dropped on the couch and slept. I woke up it’s was morning. I checked my phone the time said otherwise it was 7 pm…Same day??? Fuck this shit! I called my best friend
Day three
The madness is exhausting..the time is right now. I still feel like I am losing my mind but I have come to the conclusion that I can’t control everything. I have started to talk myself out, I am remembering the good things about my life and the times I almost exploded with laughter. I tried to cry today but I laughed instead I don’t know if that’s madness — I am not even worried. All I can say is I am going through IT. I say the scripture to myself “Be careful, for nothing!” “God has not given us the spirit of fear” I know Christians may think I am not a real Christian but all I know is I have given my life to Jesus in total surrender! I am now trusting and holding on for dear life because I don’t want to die young like agbalumo.
I have realized one big truth
I am going through IT. IT is exhausting but IT is also what makes life so darn interesting…The lows that build your character, shape your heart and toughens your skin. Every human’s IT is different just as our faces and journeys are.
My conclusion is as a human being when IT shows up at your door and threatens your very existence ..wail, sit in your feelings, feel your feelings and pray
Go through it but don’t let IT kill you. Cast your cares on Jesus and leave the rest…
And…
That’s all
